I forgot what it was like... The smells- a hospital, infection, poverty. The sights- dirty garments, rotten teeth, open wounds. The sounds- nurses talking, a little laughter, but mostly crying. Crying for their parents... Crying to stop the pain... Crying to be noticed... Crying to be loved. I forgot what it was like to walk into a hospital room of beautiful children and feel completely helpless. I can't bring their families back. I can't stop the pain. I can't save them. I can only hold their hand and smile at them and hope that that is enough.
I've spent the last three days with some of the most beautiful children you could ever meet. Their laughter is contagious when you know how much easier it would be to cry. Their smiles warm your heart when you know how much pain they are having to push through. Their eyes sparkle so brightly, but you never really know if it's just leftover from their tears... Yesterday I sat with a little girl named Maria Belen as she screamed over and over again for her mom and dad. Most of the kids here have been abandoned by their parents. A burned child is a lot of responsibility. They cost a lot of money and they take up a lot of time between hospital visits and doctors appointments. Across the room was Jhon Mishel. He is probably about 7 or 8, and he is hooked up to a heart monitor and getting oxygen every few minutes. I came back to his room later and he was watching cartoons and smiling at his nurse while she made jokes and talked to him. Maria Belen and Jhon Mishel are both in the third room. Categorically, the worst room- other than the ICU. Because this room is filled with kids in the most critical condition, it is normally filled with a good number of nurses and doctors. In order to stay out of the way, we spend most of our time in the first room.
The first room, you could say, is the happiest. We've made three very good friends in there... Erika, Jhonatan, and Juan Gabriel. Erika is the queen of the hospital. She is burned on the side of her face and her arm, so her ability to run around and cause trouble has not been hindered at all. She is always smiling and makes sure that the other kids are being taken care of. Juan Gabriel loves to snuggle and hold your hand. His injuries are mostly scars now, so he is free to run around as he pleases. Jhonatan is the worst of the three. He has open burns from his lower back to his feet, so he has to lay on his stomach at all times. At first, he didn't talk very much, but now he is a nonstop chatter box. Juan Gabriel and Erika bring their toys over to his bedside so that he can play with them. They are the three amigos.
Spending time with these kids stirs up so many emotions inside of me, and most of the time, I am battling on the inside. We are playing games and having a blast and I'm laughing alongside my little buddies, but then I step back into reality. I look at their sweet faces and wonder what will happen to them. I watch Erika as she laughs and brings so much joy to the patients and the staff. I'm amazed at her ability to keep a smile on her face... An honest smile. She talks about her parents and her family, but I have to wonder how long its been since she has seen them. I watch cartoons with Juan Gabriel and he lays his head against my shoulder and smiles at me so sweetly. I find him walking down the hallway, and before I know it, our hands are intertwined. I wonder when was the last time that someone loved him like this... When will be the next? And Jhonatan... My dear, sweet Jhonatan. He lays on his stomach and turns his head as far as he can in order to be involved with every moment. I stand by his bed and we play with toy trucks and he smiles from ear to ear. Will someone else play with him like this? Is there a toy truck waiting for him at home? Is there a home? These questions run through my mind at lightning speed as I walk the white tile hallway. I look through the glass at a room full of children, and I see a room that brings me endless joy and breaks my heart in the exact same instant. At the end of the day when I walk out the door, Erika peaks around the corner and screams "Chao!!". In this moment, I decide that it's okay. It's okay that I can't make it all better... It's okay that I can't give them the world... It's okay that I can't save them. I can hold their hand and I can smile, and for now, that is enough.
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