a flood of overflowing grace

9 days ago, my roommate woke me up at 7:03 am to tell me that church was canceled and Publix was closed.  Confused, I got up, checked social media (where i found no helpful information), and got in the shower to start my surprisingly-free Sunday off to an early start.  After slipping on some baggy sweatpants and grabbing my favorite blanket, I made a cup of coffee and headed out to the porch- cell phone in hand, waiting to find out what could be so serious that church had to be canceled.  Within those first 20 minutes of my morning, my newsfeed, and quite frankly, Columbia, had completely transformed.  Carson and Hannah joined me on the front porch as we began to watch videos of roads washing away, cars floating into the distance, and buildings that we passed every day being brought to destruction of violent currents of water.  At the time, the top of our worry list was whether school would get canceled on Monday.  As we sat there on our porch looking at our somewhat soggy yard, we had no idea that the city that we loved so much was about to experience an event that would be recorded in history.  A dreary Sunday morning with a fuzzy blanket was only the beginning of an experience that I would share with my children, just as my parents have shared stories of Hurricane Hugo, 9/11, and other catastrophic events that happened before I was old enough to understand their full affect.  We spent the next two days locked in our cozy home watching movies, eating cookies, and wondering if the nightmare surrounding us would ever end.  We watched the news and took mental notes as deaths began to rise and homes continued to fall.  We were fortunate.  Other than our lack of clean water or road access to our city, we were perfectly comfortable.  We were kept safe and warm within the walls of a little grey house with teal chairs on the front porch.  As the time passed, the situation became much more than an excuse to cancel school.  It became much more than the inability to take a shower or drink out of the tap.  This never-ending supply of water, confusion, and honestly, inconvenience, became the families who were now homeless.... the business owners who no longer had a building to run.... the mothers and fathers and aspiring adventurists who were quickly watching their hopes and dreams wash away into the swirling waves of an unending rain.
For the last 9 days, I have felt my heart break for those surrounding me.  I have heard stories of great loss, seen photos of unknown desperation, and I have been reminded of the deep-set darkness of the world in which we live.  A world where money is worshiped, possessions are praised, and everything we work so hard make for ourselves can be taken away by drops of water falling from the sky.
Even in all of this, I have still felt detached, unaffected, and separated from the destruction around me...  That was, until about an hour ago.  Carson walked into the house with a look of surprise on her face, quickly telling me that there was a fire somewhere on our street.  We jumped into her car and drove down 2 blocks until we were met by fire trucks and thick, black smoke.  A crowd was beginning to gather around the house as the flames broke through the roof and reached with their heat toward a sky that had finally dried up.  Firemen worked hard- climbing across the roof through red flames and running through a front door of darkness.  Moments later, a woman pulled up next to where we stood, screaming that this was her house, and frantically pulling her little daughter out the car seat.  I would guess she was two and a half.  "We have 2 dogs!!", she screamed, as she searched around her, looking for a piece of hope to hold onto, and finding nothing.  After about 7 minutes, a fireman carried out a beautiful dog... sandy white fur stained red from the moments within the flames.  Two firemen began to care for the dog and after a while, the woman brought her daughter over and sat with their beloved friend.  Carson and I stood in an embrace, and after a few more minutes and no sight of a second dog, Carson looked at my tear stained face and asked if I was ready to go home.  I was.  We drove home and brainstormed the different ways that we could help, discussing the responsibilities of the neighborhood and friends.  No matter the conversation, I could not slow down the thoughts that were racing through my head...
I spent my day at work stamping letters and searching for event venues as the background was filled with wise words from Matt Chandlers current series, "The Apostles Creed".  Like usual, I took in each word and wondered if it was true of my life. I wondered if I honestly believed in God's truths, or if I only knew them.  I thought about the insignificance of so many "important" things in this world, and I sat disgusted at myself that I could be caught up in so many things that have no eternal value- a life of worshiping money and praising possessions... possessions that are burned up by fires and washed away by floods.  And so I sit on my porch, amazed at God's provisions, and humbled by his mercies.  Mercies which are made new every morning alongside my cup which overflows with grace.

Adoration of a King

Worship (noun)- The adoration of a person, place, thing, or idea

I am a missionaries daughter.  A pastors child.  A Christian school graduate...  I am a church going, Bible reading, God-fearing believer. I have spent much of my life sitting in countless sermons, lessons, and praise sessions.  I have been surrounded by people who have loved on me, encouraged me, and pushed me toward Christ every day.  I have lifted my hands in church and chapel, cried to the words of "Amazing Grace", and sat on the couches of Starbucks while talking about Jesus to my mentors and my peers.  I have spent nights laying under the stars, gazing at the vast majesty that I find within His galaxies.  I have traveled to places that are featured in National Geographic.  I have held the hands of starving children in Haiti, and I have laughed with Peruvian friends while floating the Amazon River.  I have watched God work in the midst of tragedies, and I have seen his endless grace bring prosperity.

For nineteen years I have served a God of endless wonder.  I have devoted myself, to the best of my ability, to furthering His kingdom and bringing glory to His name.  I have loved the sinner and hated the sin... I have prayed for help in trials... I have praised when it seemed due... But have I worshiped Him???  To worship God... to bring praise to the creator of the ENTIRE universe... It seems as though it would be an impossible task.

And so, I have realized that my worship is conditional.  My devotion to God is happiness-based.  Contentment-based.  When things are going wrong... When life is getting confusing... I trust God and I pray to him, but it isn't in a state of worship.  It isn't with a mindset of glorification and exaltation.  It is with a selfish attitude that I pray and say "God this is really hard right now but you know what?? I'm still trusting you."  And do you know why its selfish? Because in the back of my mind I am always thinking "I wonder if I'm getting points for this prayer... I wonder if he realizes how devoted I am because I "still trust Him", and he is going to turn this situation around real quick!"

The act of worshiping our Heavenly Father is not something that happens when the band is on stage, the lights are low, and beautiful voices are harmonizing with the melody.  The act of worshiping our Heavenly Father is not the praise when you don't lose your job after your companies tough hit or when your mothers test results come back negative.  Worship is not based on our income, our possessions, or the length of our guest list at our annual party.  The act of worshiping our Heavenly Father is an every day, all the time, constant state of exaltation, glorification, and adoration of the creator of the galaxies.  It is the acknowledgment of his unconditional love, his overflowing blessings, and his mercies which are made new every day.  To worship God... to love God, is to talk with Him, to learn from Him, to lean on Him, and to spend every moment in awe of his majesty, seeking to glorify Him in all that we do.

Worship (verb)- the adoration of the person of God at all times, in all things

Reality Check

It was an adventure.  A graphic adventure, I might add.  It began around 9:30 AM when I walked into the maternity waiting room.  I have never seen so many pregnant women in my life.  Fat stomachs, tired faces, and countless children clinging to their mothers sides.  I am taken upstairs in order to find Dr. Montano, one of the OBGYN's here in Cochabamba.  Once we find him, I follow him around the hallway for a few minutes while people stop him to ask questions.  He walks through a door and returns within minutes with a face mask, a hair net, and booties.  I know what this means.  My heart speeds up.  What will it be?  Surgery?  Patient care?  ICU?  He walks me to the dressing room and says that the head nurse will come get me in a few minutes.  I walk inside and find two nurses changing and a young girl in jeans and a sweater sitting on the dressing room bench.  The nurses look at me, and I look back at them.  We exchange a smile and a greeting, and they go back to getting ready.  Once I get my stuff on, I study the room a bit, and I focus on the young girl.  The one on the bench.  Within seconds, I notice the baby that is nursing underneath her jacket.  I ask how old her baby is- 2 weeks.  I ask how old she is- 16.  The minutes begin to pass as I sit and wait for someone to come get me.  Various nurses pass through and grab something from their locker or change into different scrubs.  Two nurses come in for the girl and she unzips her jacket to reveal the smallest baby I have ever seen.  Its skin is dark and wrinkled.  Its body is fragile and small.  The nurses take the baby out of the room for a few minutes, and I ask the girl how far along she was when her baby was born.  She was 6 months.  This explained the delicate state that the baby was in.  A nurse comes back to get the girl, and I am left alone in the dressing room.  The door opens, and Dr. Montano is on the other side, telling me to come in.  My heart begins to race again.  This is it.  I'm about to have some kind of life-changing medical experience.  As we walk through the hallway, my pride begins to rise...  "I am with THE doctor.  I bet all of these nurses and residents think I'm a major hot shot from America.  I'm here to solve all of their medical mysteries."  We walk through a set of doors and directly in front of me are two legs.  Wide open.  Ready to give birth.  My heart stops and my excitement rises.  This is it.  I'm about to watch my first birth!  Dr. Montano motions to another door and I following him through, assuming we are going to a different area of the operating room in order to get a better view.  Because of course, I deserve the best experience they could offer, right?! WRONG.  We walk out of the operating room and straight into a lovely volunteers office.  Surely we are just passing through, right?! Wrong again!  The doctor introduces me to the three ladies inside and without hesitation, they pull up a chair for me at their table.  Dr. Montano assures me that I will really enjoy working with these ladies, and walks out the door.  As I watch him leave, I feel my hope and excitement leave with him.  I walk over to my chair and sit down as the lady beside me shows me what to do.  And then we sit, and we fold gauze, and we sit, and we fold more gauze.  Don't worry, we won't run out! We have piles and piles waiting to be folded.  As I sit there and stare at the white rectangular sheet in front of me, I get a little frustrated.  I didn't come here to fold gauze! I came to see blood and guts... "Don't they know that I am basically a doctor? Don't they know that I have countless years of medical experience that have prepared me for this?  I could practically do the surgery myself!!" And as I sat there and thought of thousands of reasons that I deserved to be in the operating room doing something better than this, The Lord hit me over the head with my own pride.  He brought to mind 1 Corinthians 10:31... "So whether you eat or drink or whatever you do, do it all for the glory of God." Who am I to think that I deserve better?  Who am I to think that they should've given me something more interesting or more breathtaking?  I am more helpful folding gauze than I would be standing in a corner in the operating room!  As I continue folding, I imagine the patients that this piece of fabric will be used on.  I wonder what is wrong with them... How serious it is... I begin to pray for the people that will encounter these small rectangular clumps that seemed so meaningless to me.  Suddenly, I am joyful in my task.  I am glad to be helping in a way that seems so insignificant.  A volunteer comes in to tell us that it is time for the morning break, and I walk into a small room of about eight nurses and two doctors.  We sit and enjoy coca-cola and saltenas, and the daily hospital gossip is passed around the table.  After a few minutes, I feel a tap on my shoulder, and I turn around to find the head nurse motioning for me to follow her.  I jump up as I hear her say one simple word... my favorite word..."quirofano"... Operating room.  We walk straight into a C-section, and my excitement hits the roof.  Once I have a few minutes to get over my medical-high, I look around the room and begin to take it all in.  On the table in front of me lies a woman with her stomach wide open.  Beside her is a nurse texting away on her smart phone.  In the corner are two nurses having a conversation of their own.  My concentration is broken as the operating room door swings open, and a nurse walks through with a new born from next door.  In one door, out the other, and she is gone just as suddenly as she came.  I follow her through the door, hoping it will lead me to other new borns.  Sure enough, it did.  I walk into a room of 5 babies, each with name tags that reveal their time of birth being only minutes before I stood there with them.  I begin to get emotional.  I am standing before God's most precious creation.  These babies are beautiful.  A few of them are crying, but not for the same reasons we cry.  They have never felt pain.  They have never been hurt.  They have never endured a heart break.  They are sweet, tender, and delicate.  They are completely unaware that they are a beautiful, unique creation, or that The Lord of the universe longs for a relationship with them.  "For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother's womb"(Psalm 139:13).  I wonder about these babies futures.  I wonder what they will hold.  I pray that they find The Lord and that they have lives that are as beautiful as they are.  I am pulled out of my emotional trance when Dr. Montano walks in to talk to me.  He asks if I have been to see the mothers.  Confused, I shake my head from side to side, and follow him down the hall once again.  We walk into a room that is smaller than my bedroom to find eleven cots, each with a mother and her new born baby.  We walk to the next room, even smaller than the first, and find eight women in labor, waiting for their child to enter the world.  Dr. Montano points to the woman in the corner- the only one whose belly is not bulging out uncomfortably far.  "She's bleeding from her abortion" he tells me.  My heart shatters.  Before I have time to process the thought, we are on the way back to the eleven cot motel.  On the way there, he shows me the "delivery rooms".  Hospital beds lined down one side of the hallway with a curtain separating each one.  The curtain is the delivery room wall, and a door does not exist.  With my thoughts racing, I walk up to a bed and talk to a woman who is holding her new born.  He was born at 9:26 PM.  He is hardly a day old.  Dr. Montano leaves me for surgery and I stand there and watch while the nurses go from cot to cot, cleaning the women, and making sure they are doing okay.  I stand here in the doorway for about twenty minutes, observing the seemingly calm chaos.  I think of the woman bleeding in the room next door.  I look at each woman in front of me and wonder about the life they live.  I wonder what their house looks like.  I wonder how their family works.  I look at the women who's faces are stained with excessive sun and hard work.  I wonder how they will pay for this baby.  How will they feed it?  How will it survive?  My thoughts begin to overwhelm me, and I decide that I am done for today.  I wave goodbye to the women and walk down the dark hallway back to the dressing room.  I take my booties off and pull my mask underneath my chin.  Only a few hours earlier I stood in this room prepared to save the world... Now I sat in the same room, feeling completely overwhelmed, and very aware of my lack of superhero skills.  I leave the room and walk through the hospital, drawing eyes from those who think I am a nurse or doctor.  I keep my head down to lower the chances of anyone asking me something that I would not be able to answer.  I walk through the waiting room and out the emergency room doors.  As they shut behind me, I feel my breath rush into my lungs, as if I have been holding it this entire time.  I walk back to the burn center with my thoughts still running circles in my head.  I am overwhelmed, confused, and thankful.  Thankful that I met the 16 year old mother.  Thankful that I got to fold gauze.  Thankful that I got to see such a precious thing as the gift of life unfold right before my eyes.  I am thankful that I serve a God that is so much bigger than poverty and sickness.  Thankful that my God wants a relationship with me... that he is JEALOUS for me!  I think back to each of the babies that I encountered throughout the morning, and I am not nervous for their future anymore.  They are children of a King who loves unconditionally and whose grace is as abounding as the oceans.  A God who never leaves us or forsakes us.  I think of each of those children, and I find joy.  No matter what their situation, no matter what their future holds, they have a father who wants to wrap them in his warm embrace, and whisper to them, "You are mine."

Deja Vu

I forgot what it was like... The smells- a hospital, infection, poverty.  The sights- dirty garments, rotten teeth, open wounds.  The sounds- nurses talking, a little laughter, but mostly crying.  Crying for their parents... Crying to stop the pain... Crying to be noticed... Crying to be loved.  I forgot what it was like to walk into a hospital room of beautiful children and feel completely helpless.  I can't bring their families back. I can't stop the pain.  I can't save them.  I can only hold their hand and smile at them and hope that that is enough.
I've spent the last three days with some of the most beautiful children you could ever meet.  Their laughter is contagious when you know how much easier it would be to cry.  Their smiles warm your heart when you know how much pain they are having to push through.  Their eyes sparkle so brightly, but you never really know if it's just leftover from their tears... Yesterday I sat with a little girl named Maria Belen as she screamed over and over again for her mom and dad.  Most of the kids here have been abandoned by their parents.  A burned child is a lot of responsibility.  They cost a lot of money and they take up a lot of time between hospital visits and doctors appointments.  Across the room was Jhon Mishel.  He is probably about 7 or 8, and he is hooked up to a heart monitor and getting oxygen every few minutes.  I came back to his room later and he was watching cartoons and smiling at his nurse while she made jokes and talked to him.  Maria Belen and Jhon Mishel are both in the third room.  Categorically, the worst room- other than the ICU.  Because this room is filled with kids in the most critical condition, it is normally filled with a good number of nurses and doctors.  In order to stay out of the way, we spend most of our time in the first room.
The first room, you could say, is the happiest.  We've made three very good friends in there... Erika, Jhonatan, and Juan Gabriel.  Erika is the queen of the hospital.  She is burned on the side of her face and her arm, so her ability to run around and cause trouble has not been hindered at all.  She is always smiling and makes sure that the other kids are being taken care of.  Juan Gabriel loves to snuggle and hold your hand.  His injuries are mostly scars now, so he is free to run around as he pleases.  Jhonatan is the worst of the three.  He has open burns from his lower back to his feet, so he has to lay on his stomach at all times.  At first, he didn't talk very much, but now he is a nonstop chatter box.  Juan Gabriel and Erika bring their toys over to his bedside so that he can play with them.  They are the three amigos.
Spending time with these kids stirs up so many emotions inside of me, and most of the time, I am battling on the inside.  We are playing games and having a blast and I'm laughing alongside my little buddies, but then I step back into reality.  I look at their sweet faces and wonder what will happen to them.  I watch Erika as she laughs and brings so much joy to the patients and the staff. I'm amazed at her ability to keep a smile on her face...  An honest smile.  She talks about her parents and her family, but I have to wonder how long its been since she has seen them.  I watch cartoons with Juan Gabriel and he lays his head against my shoulder and smiles at me so sweetly.  I find him walking down the hallway, and before I know it, our hands are intertwined.  I wonder when was the last time that someone loved him like this... When will be the next?  And Jhonatan... My dear, sweet Jhonatan.  He lays on his stomach and turns his head as far as he can in order to be involved with every moment.  I stand by his bed and we play with toy trucks and he smiles from ear to ear.  Will someone else play with him like this?  Is there a toy truck waiting for him at home?  Is there a home?  These questions run through my mind at lightning speed as I walk the white tile hallway.  I look through the glass at a room full of children, and I see a room that brings me endless joy and breaks my heart in the exact same instant.  At the end of the day when I walk out the door, Erika peaks around the corner and screams "Chao!!".  In this moment, I decide that it's okay.  It's okay that I can't make it all better...  It's okay that I can't give them the world...  It's okay that I can't save them.  I can hold their hand and I can smile, and for now, that is enough.

Thoughts

Tonight as I worked on my English IV term paper that is due Wednesday afternoon, I kept repeating one of my favorite lines from Church At Sandhurst worship.  I've always loved the line but for some reason tonight i just couldn't get it out of my head... It is a simple, but mind blowing lyric.  It states, "Lord of the universe, nailed to a tree."  The first time you hear it, it is only a lyric.  Just another line in one of the many songs you sing in church or hear on your christian radio station.  But as i began to analyze the words, my heart began to break.  If you know me, you know that I am a very emotional person... I cry when i hear a symphony or when a ambulance drives past me.  I cry reading missionary reports, and i cry even harder when i write my own.  Most of the time, my emotions are far beyond the average person, and i don't expect others to feel the same way i do, because everyone handles decisions differently and everyones personality calls them to a different reaction, but, i think this case is different. If we are truly Christ followers, and we long for a relationship with him, I think this line should break all of our hearts.  When i look at my life and at the petty things that i care about and that the people surrounding me care about, it is absolutely disgusting.  Yes, God placed us on the earth to walk and live among others, and because of our sin nature, that will bring petty drama and selfishness, but we have taken it to a whole new level.  We are so caught up in popularity and money and everything being at our fingertips that we forget what it is like to fall on our faces and be madly in love with Christ.  Lets face it, unless we are going through a rough patch, we neglect God in most situations in our life.  I mean, when was the last time that you just stopped caring about things of this world for 5 minutes, and gave yourself to God? I know I can't even remember the last time.  Don't get me wrong.  God placed us on this earth and we are not called to live like we are still in Bible times and not make use of modern day technology, but we don't just "use" it.  It rules our lives.  Social media and texting and our 42 inch tv's dictate our lives.  We forget that the only reason we were put on this earth was for Gods glory, and the only reason we are still here is because he hasn't finished with us yet.  We think we control our lives, and we don't.  We think we can just live however we want to and when we get out of college or married or when we have children that we will finally straighten out.  We live in a spoiled dream world and we think it spins around our little finger.  We are selfish, prideful creatures.  God created all of the billions of miles of galaxy's with planets and so many things beyond our imagination.  He spoke, and created earth... And in all of his majesty and wonder, he felt the need to create me and you.  He did not create us to get mad that someone else got the same jacket as us or that we did not get the position we wanted at work.  He created us for his glory.  He still wants us to live, but he wants us to want him.  Without him, we are literally nothing.  The bible says that our life is a vapor.  It would be a shame to go through life looking for contentment in filthy, detestable things on this earth that will pass away, whenever the Lord of the universe was hung to a tree so that you and I could spend the rest of our lives worshiping at the feet of the creator.  God gives his everything for us.  His blood was shed for our lives.  Lets make them worth it.

Perspectives.

Lately I've really been struggling with the fact that my life is not in my own hands.  Don't get me wrong, I am a child of the amazing king and I LOVE that!  BUT, sometimes I just don't really understand what he is doing with me! I mean he gave me the amazing opportunity to be raised on the mission field and have my eyes opened to so many needs around the world, but then he moved my family back to America!  So, everyday i have this struggle in my life where i feel like i am completely wasting my time away! Not necessarily because I am in America, because i know we need Jesus here just as much as and other country, but because of how i spend my time! I am a student, so my school can be my mission field, but I sit for hours in a class room taking notes and learning skills and the whole time I am thinking "3/4 of the world lives of $2 a day, and I'm sitting in an air conditioned classroom paying $7,000 a year for school." Or i sit and think about how 41% of the world hasn't heard the gospel, and I am worried about how Potassium and Iron could bond to form a compound!  I know that God put me in this situation for his glory and that one day I will need the skills I am learning in order to further his kingdom, but it is so hard to grasp that right now! Ministry is one of the passions that burns greatly inside of me, so sitting in a classroom for 8 hours a day is very hard and it really tests my patience!  I just have to remind myself that in order to follow Christ, I need to work hard at EVERYTHING that he has called me to, and if that is school for right now, then that is where he wants me to put my efforts.  So I have a challenge for all of us, because I know there are others who also feel like you should be doing something so much "greater" than what you are!  DONT WASTE THE OPPORTUNITY GOD HAS GIVEN YOU! Maybe we are not meant to be the ones in Africa right now, but our testimony and attitude where we are could be the one thing that encourages someone else to go into those unreached nations and preach Gods word! We may not be the one who is supposed to physically go there right now, but that doesn't mean that we don't have a huge part in it!  I know you feel convicted to be doing something exciting and big, but don't let that make you bitter toward the life you have right now!  I always think to myself, one day i will be in the middle of a village in the pit of no where and Dr. Anderson's chemistry class will have taught me some fact that will come in handy!

 I remember one time i was sharing with a dear friend about my struggle with feeling useless and she replied to me, " Maybe you are here for me." I looked back at her confused. She laughed and said " No really. Maybe all these years of school, drama, confusion, all of it, was so that we could have this one conversation right now.  Maybe something you will say to me will change my life forever, and all of these years will not be wasted at all, but they will have impacted God's kingdom in a way you couldn't imagine."     We never know what our day will bring or what God is trying to do in our lives, but be open to it.  Accept the challenge of living this "boring American life", and make it radical.  Make your classes, friendships, sports, and everything else be for God's glory.  Don't waste another day thinking you are useless.  God woke you up this morning for a reason.  As long as you are breathing, He isn't done doing amazing things through you.

The Journey In Progress

Hello everyone!! I just wanted to take a quick minute to update you on what is going on!  It is my sixth day here in Belize and it has been absolutely AMAZING!  We have done everything from painting basketball goals to handing out rice bags and clothing in villages! I have been so blessed to be able to meet new people here and see some old friends from previous trips!  The past 4 days of preparing for sports camp next week have gone so well and we are SO excited to get started! It is going to be great next week to see how all the hard work and time spent on all of our projects pays off! The kids are super excited and so are we! We have wifi here so I will try to keep posting throughout the trip! Thank you so much for all of your encouragement and prayers! Until next time!